Thin Now. Thin Always

Ugh, I got a personal trainer. Thighs so sore I can legit hardly move and they hurt so badly. I see him again tomorrow morning but he wants me to do 45 min of elliptical today. Anyone have any advice on how to make my thighs less sore so I can workout today and not die tomorrow?

I havent stopped thinking about killing myself all day. Not going to do it. I know Im just in a major low swing. Ive decided to go talk to someone this week. 

I know that I’m normally just a weight struggler who yo-yo’s a lot. But I used to deal w/ cutting when I was in late middle school and early high school. I recovered. However, it came back my sophomore year of college. Ive controlled it. Its just been maybe like 3-5 times a year. And its always one cut every now and then since I recovered. But I did it tonight. I did it in a bad way. Only a few, but they are big and deep and wont stop bleeding. not looking for sympathy. Im just one of those dorks that feel like I can tell anything to people on tumblr. I cant tell my friends or family but I can tell complete strangers….. sadly that makes me feel better. I feel less judged. Im ok. I just needed to tell someone. 

I can feel myself going into a dark place. I can always tell im in the downswing when my music choices  change and my motivation bottoms out…. and my binge eating starts again. 

On a mission today! Find the stairs in my office building! I have looked for them like a dozen times but cant find them!!! I’d much rather take them than the elevator

Fat.

My knees hurt so badly when I run now. The pain is right below both my knees and its almost like there are bruises there.  Anyone know what’s going on and how I can make it stop or even just make it better?